JWF
by Shawn Jones
Summary: With Robotnik seemingly out of the picture, the Freedom Fighters look to rebuild Mobotropolis. As usual nothing goes according to plan as the hilarity continues...
1. Digustipation

Jolly Well Fucked (J.W.F.)

By Shawn Jones

I guess so I don't get fucked over: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.

Foreword

Again I'll start off with my warning: The following story is rated M, fuck is uttered frequently, along with shit and all the other "good" words. It also contains that trademark innuendo, and some violence thrown in for good measure. Shit, it's got fuck right in the title. Jolly Well Fucked (known to you as J.W.F.) is a continuation of the story To End the Rapture. I don't think it's entirely necessary to read it if you haven't, but it is alluded to. To End the Rapture was the most serious story I have written up until this point. The original idea was to have an actual story (which my previous writings were missing) along with the humor. Now if you read those lines and thought: What the fuck are you talking about? The only advice I can give is find the other three stories I've written and compare, you'll see what I mean. To be honest with you, Jolly Well Fucked strays from that formula a bit. With that said you'll see more structure than those clusterfuck stories I used to write, as there is a story here, but for some reason or another I incorporated a more serious tone in To End the Rapture. I think that's enough bullshit, so if you're still reading enjoy the story.

Shawn Jones

Disgustipation

It has been a month since Sonic and the Freedom Fighters destroyed Robotnik, and the fortress he was using as a base of operations. Life had returned to normal for the Freedom Fighters, but they still remained wary of any impending attacks. As night began to descend upon Knothole Village, Sonic was stretched out, relaxing on his bed. While he was laying there lost in thought, the door burst open and Tails rushed inside the room.

"Hey fucknuts," Sonic said while Tails was catching his breath.

"Whose nuts?" Tails asked.

"What the fuck? Never mind, what's wrong with you, busting down my door without fuckin knocking first? I could've been entertaining some pleasurable company before you broke in here, and that shit is just plain rude."

"I don't see Auntie Sally in here," Tails said as he surveyed the room.

"That was low you dirty motherfucker. So, spit it out already asswipe, what are you doing in here?"

"Auntie Sally said she needed to talk to you. She told me I had to come and get you, fast," Tails replied.

"That's probably because you would forget where you were in a couple of minutes. Then you might try your hand at doing some stupid bullshit, which your name seems to be synonymous with. It's really great sitting here and trading insults with you, I guess trading isn't the right word, but why don't we stop fuckin around and just get down to the point. Where exactly am I supposed to meet up with Sally and discuss this…bullshit?"

"I think she said to meet in her room, or maybe she said the conference room. I don't think that's it, maybe she didn't tell me…"

"I can't believe my ears, are you hearing this shit?" Sonic asked. "She told you to come fast, you did, and yet still managed to fuckin forget it, top notch. This has been fun and all, but if you'll excuse me I have some boots to knock."

"What? You don't have any boots on…" Sonic heard Tails saying as he started making his way toward Sally's room. When he arrived there he found the door closed, as usual Sonic just walked inside.

"What the hell, Sonic? Haven't you ever heard of knocking asshole? I could've been getting dressed!" Sally shouted as Sonic took a seat on the couch.

"I fail to see how that could materialize, seeing as how you don't wear any clothes."

"The smartest of smartasses is hard at work again."

"Well thank you very much, I like to take pride in my work. Anyway, on the way over here I think I had a revelation, an epiphany if you will."

"I'm sure it's something groundbreaking," Sally sighed as she sat down on the couch next to Sonic.

"I think that I need my own personal ball washer."

"What? Why?"

"I'm an important person, and my nuts should be clean."

"I really am speechless, Sonic you've had some fucked up ideas in the past, but this really tops the list. I don't know what in the hell is wrong with you, and we really don't have time to discuss it right now…"

"You know what? I've been wondering why we don't just shack up. I mean we could clear out my room, and make space for who the fuck knows what. That would also remedy the whole, not sleeping together thing, yeah?" Sonic asked grinning.

"I have a question," Sally responded. "How fucked up are you?"

"On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say I'm right around the 7 to 8 range. But, you do think about me every night, don't you?"

"Rock bottom just doesn't exist for you, does it? Now, if you are finished, I did have a few things I wanted to talk with you about. The first is a few reports I've been getting out of Robotropolis, reports that say it's still up and running."

"Well that's a crock of shit. A few weeks ago we destroyed the primary power generators, as well as the backups. That was right after we took down the main control system, that being Robotnik's fortress. Even if Robotnik was alive, I can't see this happening that quickly. I know he was a mad evil genius and everything, but there's just no fuckin way the whole city is up and running now. I mean, the guy couldn't find his dick if it wasn't duct taped to his balls."

"That's a wonderful mental image, thanks a lot Sonic. Unfortunately that isn't all the news…"

"News, that's a weird fuckin word isn't it?" Sonic asked, interrupting.

"What are you trying to get at?"

"News, just think about that for a second, it's the plural form of new, right?"

"Not really, logically looking at the word that's what it should be, but I'm pretty sure the word 'news' was created solely meaning a report of information," Sally answered.

"Yeah, but isn't that fucked up? In order to make any other word plural you just add an s, so what gives?"

"Not all plural forms of words add just an s…why are we even discussing this? I have some important information you need to hear. I don't have time to discuss the semantics of 'news' with you," Sally replied, annoyed.

"Oh please continue, I would love to hear your _news_."

"As I was saying, it seems something in Robotropolis is salvaging the metal from Robotnik's now defunct fortress. It's my feeling that we send someone to check it out, but I don't think we should tell the others yet."

"So I guess that means I have to fuckin go over there. You could have just asked me, no need to beat around the bush."

"Another one of your perverse come-ons, you really are something else."

"What? Oh no, that wasn't what I meant..."

"Sure Sonic, now will you go over there or not?"

" I'll head over there first thing tomorrow, anything else?" Sonic asked.

"As a matter of fact, Rotor says he's been having trouble with our computer network lately," Sally stated. "He says someone is stressing it too hard, making it run very slow. You wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?"

"Not really, I'm not big with electronics," Sonic answered, but Sally just eyed him suspiciously. "Fine, fuck, I've been downloading porn," Sally shook her head at him. "Oh yeah, like that shit is a crime now, c'mon."

"I don't think that's it, how could that slow the entire network down all by itself?"

"Oh believe me, it's fuckin slowin that shit down."

"Well stop it, we're trying to do more important things then look for porn. And I don't want to hear anything about you needing to replace it with something else, no more bullshit. Don't give me that pouty face…stop it already!"

"Is there anything else I can do for her Royal Highness?" Sonic asked contemptuously.

"Sonic…"

"Then I'll be on my way," Sonic said as he gave Sally a mocking bow and left the room.


	2. A Spectacle of Fearsome Acts

A Spectacle of Fearsome Acts

Robotnik sat back in his second favorite chair. _That rotten rodent bastard ruined my favorite chair_, Robotnik thought. _I still can't believe those assholes think I'm dead, I wonder if it ever occurred to their dumbasses that I had a nuclear__ fallout__ shelter buil__t__ beneath my towering fortress.__ Oh, and we mustn't forget the emergency elevator that takes me directly down there, I'm not known as an evil genius for nothing._

"Did you say something, sir?" Snively asked

"What? No, I was busy thinking until you spoke up, you're breaking my fucking concentration."

"I'm sorry, sir…"

"Go make yourself useful and get me an umbrella drink," Robotnik said. He looked down and noticed that he already had one in his hand, "Not this one, a different drink."

"As you command, but a little exercise couldn't hurt you," Snively mumbled.

"Just what in the fuck was that?"

"Nothing, sir, I'm going to fetch that drink now." As Snively shuffled out of the room, Robotnik turned his attention toward the monitors in front of him. While he was staring at the monitors, his eye caught Sonic speeding past.

"Three day sale on a ten pack of douche bags, what is he doing here? No matter, let's just see what he's planning to do."

"What is the hedgehog doing here, sir?"

"You almost made me shit myself, Snively. Why are you sneaking up on me like that asshole?"

"Sorry sir, do you want to attempt to track him back to Knothole?"

"No, that really didn't work out so well last time, did it? We need something else, something personal, irreplaceable. I'll festoon my bedchamber with his guts, if I can ever get my hands on him. For being an evil genius I really can't come up with shit for plans on such short notice."

"Tell me about it," Snively said under his breath.

"I'm going to fucking end you if I even think I hear you say some of that smartass shit again. I'll rip your fucking balls off and stuff them up your ass, so that the next time you shit, you'll shit all over your balls, got it? Now, what kind of devious plan can I come up with next? Shut…down…the…power? SHUT THE POWER DOWN, NOW SNIVELY!"

"What for sir? I'll have to set the clock on the microwave again."

"Never mind that, the hedgehog must have caught wind that Robotropolis was up and running again. If we cut the power that imbecile and all of his dumb as fuck companions will keep assuming we're dead. This can buy me the time I need, so I can come up with an inevitably ingenious plan."

"That is quite a brilliant idea, sir. I shall shut down the power immediately," Snively said as he made his way over to the breaker panel. He opened the panel and shut off all of the power in Robotropolis, with the flick of a switch. "How are we to know when the hedgehog is gone, without the monitors, sir?" Snively asked while he turned on battery operated lights.

"Fuck! Ass! The rodent is quite fast, so if you gave it a minimum of a half an hour, we should be fine."

"And the plan?"

"You know how I've stayed alive this long? A spectacle of fearsome acts, fear. Someone steals from me, I cut off their hand. If they offend me, I cut out their tongue. If they stand against me, I cut off their head, stick it on a pike, and lift it up for all to see. That's what maintains the order of things, fear. Now, let me meditate in peace, so I can make my plans accordingly."

"What do you propose we do with the salvaged metal, sir?"

"We are going to _build_ something with it, Snively. What exactly, I haven't figured out just yet, but we can't let pure titanium go to waste, now can we? I'm going to work it all into the grand tapestry that I call my Master Fuck Plan."


	3. Clusterfuck

Clusterfuck

Sonic came racing into Knothole, surprised to find everyone sitting in a circle outside on the ground.

"Did I miss something, because, to me, this looks highly unusual."

"What is ze unusual about zis?" Antoine asked. "I believes we are in ze outside talking, because we already ate zis lunch."

"Wha…" Sonic began.

"It was pretty cool Sonic," Tails interrupted. "We had, like, a little picnic, you should have been here."

"I was a little pre-fuckin-occupied, spelunking in some abandoned city. You guys plan on throwing a party while I was gone…"

"I was zinking about zis," Antoine broke in.

"Hey asshole," Sonic replied, "Suck a bag of dicks."

"Sonic!" Sally yelled. "There is no need for any hostilities like that. It was a nice day outside and Bunnie came up with this idea. We all thought it sounded great, so we went for it. There is no need for you to get all pissed off like that, unless, of course, you are jealous."

"What the fuck?" Sonic growled.

"Well are you going to sit down and give us a report or what?" Sally asked, patting the ground next to her.

"So, I take it you told them the _news,_" Sonic said sitting down.

"Yes, I figured since it endangered everyone, I had no right to keep it from them. What did you find out?"

"Nothing, that place was empty with no power to it at all. It looked like a goddamn ghost town."

"How could my information be so askew?" Sally puzzled.

"I don't know," Sonic replied, "But nothing is happening in that toilet, as far as I can tell anyway."

"Then I guess that means the time has finally come."

"Oh fuckin yeah, it's about damn time. So when should we, you know…"

"Damn it Sonic, not that. It's time that we start rebuilding."

"What Robotropolis?"

"No," Sally answered. "Time to start rebuilding Mobotropolis."

"Oh Hun, I've been waiting so long to hear that," Bunnie said smiling.

"Well wait just a second here," Sonic interjected, "Don't everyone jump through their ass just yet. We're just going to take my findings, of nothing mind you, as concrete evidence? Even though we have another source with conflicting information? I hate to break this to you, but that doesn't give me the confidence I need to know that Robotnik is truly dead."

"So what do you suggest? To live hiding in fear, jumping every time someone mentions Robotnik? Or maybe you should grow a pair of balls, and nuts up so we can do what needs to be done," Sally chastised.

"Ha, ze 'edgehog is ze pussy," Antoine laughed.

"You want to know how big my balls are? My balls are the size of two of your heads, duct tapped together," Sonic declared. "If you remember correctly, I'm the crazy motherfucker that ran into Robotnik's fortress, with no intent of coming out alive. I just don't want to jump to conclusions, like that unusual game, but we need to know all the facts before we do something irrational."

"I agree, but I think we also need to consider rebuilding. So let's take a vote, who is in favor of rebuilding Mobotropolis?" Sally asked and raised her hand, along with Bunnie, Antoine, Rotor, and Tails. "All who oppose?" Sonic frowned and raised his hand. "Then it's decided, we are going to rebuild Mobotropolis. Rotor, can you draw up the plans for us?"

"Sure thing, but it's not going to get done overnight. A city that size will take a considerable amount of time to plan out."

"That's fine, we need to do a substantial amount of clean up and planning before we can start rebuilding. We should meet tomorrow and decide how to move forward from here," Sally said.

"No, you're not fuckin doin it," Sonic put in. "I need to take at least one more trip over there before we can even think about this."

"All in good time, Sonic, but feel free to do whatever you find necessary. We're going to start planning this whole situation out tomorrow. Seeing as how I outrank you, as well as you losing the majority vote, you are in no position to demand anything."

"Just how in the fuck do you outrank me? You're a princess to a city that doesn't fuckin exist anymore. In a world ruled by a tyrant there's only one rank, oddly enough, neither one of us has it."

"Yeah, well be that as it may, things are about to change," Sally retorted. "Perhaps you are unaware of what differentiates your head from your ass, and may be confused as to which is which. Now why don't you leave us in peace so we can actually _enjoy_ the rest of the afternoon?"

"Look, that probably didn't come out right…" Sonic began.

"And that would be an unusual occurrence? I'm not stupid Sonic, I'm not going to go in there unless I'm absolutely sure of the circumstances, but I want to go forward with this. We're starting to plan tomorrow, not excavating the whole damn city."

"Well you made it fuckin sound like…"

"NO! You jumped to conclusions without thinking. Did you seriously think we were just going to waltz on into Robotropolis and clean it up? After all we've done, struggling to overthrow Robotnik, you thought we'd just piss it all away? In our planning, I intend to address the state of affairs regarding the information, and we'll have to make sure it's safe before we begin."

"What a load of bullshit, why didn't you bring this up in the beginning? You could have saved me from looking like a complete fucking asshole."

"You seem to do a pretty good job of that all by yourself. I also happened to agree with you at certain points which you chose to ignore, and kept on ranting. Now if you don't mind…"

"Yeah, yeah, I get the fucking point," Sonic said turning away, and making his way toward his room. As soon as he was out of sight Bunnie looked over at Sally.

"I have just one question, Sugar."

"And what would that be?"

"Weren't you two just arguing but agreeing at the same time? It sure would have been easier to just agree with no argument, so you wouldn't get into a huge pissing match over nothing. He just wanted to make sure we were safe, Sugar."

"Sonic has been a huge pain in the ass lately, and he's just been so aggravating, I felt I had to release my frustration. That probably wasn't the best thing to do though, I'm sorry," Sally confessed.

"Well you need to go apologize to Sonic, not us," Bunnie pointed out.

"I would be ze apologizing no, he told me to suck zis bag of dicks. What does zat even mean? What is ze bag of dicks?"

"Yeah really," Rotor said. "I mean, what kind of bag are we talking about here? Paper, plastic, duffle, golf, tea, travel, the list is endless. What would that even look like…on second thought I don't want to know."

"We are not really having this conversation are we?" Bunnie asked in dismay.

"We aren't, but I'm afraid they are," Sally said pointing to Rotor and Antoine. "I have an apology to give, so you have fun with this." Sally got up and left in the same direction Sonic did.

"Auntie Bunnie, are Sally and Sonic going to fuck?" Tails inquired.

"My word, Sugar, don't use language like that. Sally is just going to go apologize to Sonic."

"I am having ze wonderful idea. I am zinking we should be following Sally, and watch zis apology."

"Antoine, that seems kind of rude," Bunnie said.

"I don't know," Rotor said, "I think this could be pretty entertaining."

"Zen we best get going, or we may perhaps be missing ze whole ting," Antoine said as he started walking in the same direction Sally left.

"I don't know if this is right, Hun, but I can't miss out on it."

"I'm in," Rotor said, following Antoine's lead.

"Well I'm not getting left out, hold on guys," Tails complained, running to catch up with the others.


	4. Something Wicked Brewing

Something Wicked Brewing

"This is the single most brilliant fucking idea I have ever come up with," Robotnik announced with pride.

"And what idea would that be, sir?"

"The Freedom Fighters are bound to come back here to investigate, to make sure the dumbass hedgehog was in fact telling the truth. They all might even come, and that would certainly work out for the best."

"What would we do with them, sir?"

"We fucking capture them, numbnuts," Robotnik answered.

"Of course, sir, but how does that make this 'the most brilliant fucking idea'?"

"I'm getting to that, asshole. What we do is make a cage using some of the scrap titanium we have been salvaging, not even the hedgehog can cut through that. So, we capture the Freedom Fighters, put them in this cage, and then lower it into our vat of nuclear waste, essentially vaporizing them."

"Vaporize? Your body can vaporize?" Snively asked.

"I hardly would have stated it otherwise. Don't forget who the fucking doctor is between the two of us. Anyway, we'll probably need a titanium lock on the cage, to be safe…"

"Just how do you suppose we capture them, sir?"

"With all of the trap doors we have set on the streets of Robotropolis, I won't have much of a problem doing that. We will shut all the power down in Robotropolis, with the exception of one building. We cut the power to the building, and then turn it back on. They'll think the power is starting to boot back up, but if not I assume they'll investigate anyway. We'll get them on the trap door, WHAM they're fucked, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"What a marvelous plan, sir…"

"Of course it is. You kiss more ass then a toilet seat, Snively."

"I'm sorry, sir."

"See what I mean? Now why don't you help me construct a cage, eh douchebag?

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Sally stopped right outside Sonic's door, took a minute to compose herself, and then proceeded to knock on it. The door opened and Sonic appeared in the doorway.

"What do you want?" Sonic asked

"How are you doing?"

"Well, I was sitting around reading the _news_, acting sorry for myself, feeling like shit, you know, Wednesday…"

"I don't need you being a smartass right now, I came here to tell you something important."

"Then by all means, come on in. I'm sure we can find _something_ to do," Sonic said, moving out of the way so Sally could come inside.

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"Okay, Sally is being inside, let us be getting to ze window," Antoine said as everyone made their way up to Sonic's window. "I needs to be looking in zis window."

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"I wanted to talk with you about the argument we had earlier," Sally said sitting down on Sonic's bed.

"I'm pretty sure we were done with that bullshit, you put me in my place. But I did happen to notice how immaculate your ass looks today."

"WHAT?!"

"I was talking about your ass…what the fuck…?"

"What the fuck, _what__ the fuck_?"

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"Sugar! Get your head down, we need to be keeping a low profile," Bunnie said while pushing Antoine away from the window.

"I am zinking zey were about to be making fuck."

"Did he just say making fuck?" Rotor asked Bunnie.

"I'm afraid so, Sugar."

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"I could've sworn I saw Antoine looking through the fuckin window, just a second ago."

"I can hardly see how that's possible," Sally said looking out the window. "Seeing as how Antoine and Rotor are discussing, in depth mind you, what exactly a bag of dicks is and how one would go about sucking one."

"Fuck me running, I never would have thought that something I said could incite a theological discussion, I'm damn near proud."

"I'm really happy for you, Sonic, but I came here to tell you something so here it goes. I wanted to apologize for the way I was acting earlier, I was arguing for the sake of argument. You have been pissing me off lately, so it all just culminated and I induced you into a pissing match for no good reason. You were right, and even though I was agreeing to some extent, it doesn't excuse what I've done. So, I'm sorry."

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"Hey, I need to see this," Tails said as he flew up to the window and started humping it.

"What the hell are you doing Tails?" Rotor asked. "And what is that awful smell?"

"I just blew ze air out of ze asshole, for zis I apologize. Am I forgiven?"

"You guys couldn't keep a higher profile if you tried. Oh god Antoine, you smell repugnant," Bunnie gasped holding her nose.

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"I think I just saw Tails teabaging the window," Sonic said in disgust. Sally turned around but saw nothing outside.

"Are you trying to change the subject?"

"Not really, so what now?"

"I don't know, I guess you either except my apology, or you don't."

"I thought that maybe we could…"

"Don't even go there, I am not in the mood for your bullshit. Now are you going to be at the meeting tomorrow?"

"Nope, as a matter of fact I'm not going to be here at all tomorrow."

"What? Is it because of the argument, I said I was sorry…"

"Not because of the argument, but I need to stretch my legs, take a break from everything here. Anyway, you're the high ranking official, so you shouldn't need me here."

"Sonic, don't make me feel bad about this…"

"It's just a joke."

"Well if you are going take this," Sally said, handing Sonic a data pad, "I can send word to you in case you're needed back here. Where are you thinking of going?"

"I was thinking about going _down under_" Sonic smirked.

"You are such an asshole."

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"I think they are having sex now!" Tails exclaimed as he took another look into Sonic's bedroom. Everybody jumped up and started pressing against the window.

"Zis is not making fuck, zat is called ze hug."

"Oh no, there is just too much pressure on the window. I think it's going to break, Sugar." Just as Bunnie finished speaking, the window shattered and they all went tumbling into Sonic's room.

"See, I told you I wasn't making that shit up. Tails why were you fucking my window?" Sonic asked.

"Ummm…"

"On second thought, don't fuckin answer that question. What are you guys doing outside my room anyway?"

"We zought zat maybe Sally would be kicking ze ass or you would be making fuck," Antoine answered.

"Why don't you go and get your happy ass out of here? As a matter of fact, all of you can get the fuck out, except you Sally and you Bunnie, hehehe. I mean Sally, what better way is there to show me how sorry you are then to have a three-way, right?"


	5. A Red Hot Poker

A Red Hot Poker

The next day a meeting was held in the conference room. All of the Freedom Fighters voted unanimously to explore Robotropolis, before anything else could be done. There was also a tier based plan, which was created to keep them in line during the rebuilding process of Mobotropolis. After a little equipment was packed, the Freedom Fighters made their way into Robotropolis.

"Ooooh, what's zis place called?" Antoine asked while he looked around.

"Antoine, it's Robotropolis, you've been here before," Sally answered, shaking her head.

"It certainly doesn't look like anything is alive here, does it Hun?"

"No it doesn't, it seems to be so much bleaker than usual, it gives me the creeps," Sally said, shivering.

"Don't worry, my Princess, Antoine will not let zis bad tings happen to you."

"That's so reassuring, thanks."

"I am ze bad ass motherfucker, am I not?"

"Give it a rest, Sugar. Your jaw must be tired from all that talking you did since leaving Knothole," Bunnie scolded.

"Rotor, are you picking up any life forms?" Sally inquired.

"Besides us?"

"Even with Sonic gone I'm never spared a smartass. Yes besides us, you numbskull."

"I'm not picking anything up yet," Rotor answered, "But I'll be sure to tell you as soon as that changes."

"Tails, pull out those maps we made, so we can go check some locations," Sally instructed.

"Auntie Sally, I did a bad thing."

"What, did you piss yourself?"

"Not yet, but I left all those maps at home."

"Damn it Tails…Antoine, why does it look like you've seen a ghost?"

"If I had ze pantaloons, I would have to be shitting zem. I saw lights, zat building," Antoine said shivering and pointing.

"We should take a look," Rotor pointed out. "I might be able to pick up some life forms."

"Okay," Sally agreed, "But let's be careful, I don't want us to get caught with our pants down."

"Zis is no problem, I am not to be having ze pantaloons."

"Yeah really, I just wear this belt," Rotor said lifting the belt up then dropping it.

"My tails wouldn't fit in pants."

"I have robotic legs, if that counts, Sugar, although I can't pull them down. I do have these decorative panties though."

"You guys are unbefuckinglievable, can we go now?" As they began moving closer to the building, the lights flickered again.

"Wait! I'm picking something up right…here." Just as Rotor and the others stood back, the trap door opened and they were all sent down a shoot, leading to Robotnik's fallout shelter. Everyone landed in the titanium cage Robotnik constructed, as he came down to close and lock it.

"So you are still alive," Sally said, pointing out the painfully obvious.

"How very perceptive of you, of course I'm alive, there wouldn't be much of a story without me. I'm glad you all made it down here, I do get dreadfully lonely down here by myself. And really to be quite honest, Snively doesn't account for much. Now where, pray tell, is the hedgehog? I would have thought he was stupid enough to come back."

"We don't know, he left without warning…" Sally began.

"Bullshit 'princess', I am very certain _you_ would know where he was," Robotnik provoked.

"I don't know…"

"Now don't make me start shoving a hot poker up some fundament to get the answers I'm looking for here."

"NOT ZE FUNDAMENT!" Antoine screamed.

"What's a fundament?" Tails asked.

"It's better if you don't know," Sally answered.

"The hedgehog you fools! I'm going to be much less friendly if I still can't find what I'm looking for."

"Did you try 'Where the Streets Have No Name', Bono?" Rotor asked, and was kicked for his insolence.

"I had an argument with him, and then he disappeared this morning. That's all any of us know," Sally said.

"So Sonic got into a fight with his girlfriend, I find that slightly amusing," Robotnik said turning his back on the Freedom Fighters. With Robotnik's back turned Sally quickly sent out a distress message to Sonic on her data pad.

"Does zis mean no hot poker up ze fundament?" Antoine asked, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Think about this for a minute," Robotnik began. "Why would someone cut up a pumpkin, for let's say Halloween, when it's the foulest smelling vegetable ever? A pumpkin smells like a miniature shit factory, you would know this if you ever cut one open. To tell you the truth, I don't think pumpkin pie is made out of pumpkin. How can something that smells that shitty, make a pie so sweet?"

"What in the fuck are you talking about?" Sally asked exasperated.

"I just thought I'd make a little idle conversation before I beat the ever loving shit out of you."

"What…? Why would you beat us, we told you what you wanted to know," Bunnie pleaded.

"Because I'm an evil malicious motherfucker, and it gives me great joy to inflict pain and suffering onto others. Now does anyone have something pressing that they must say or should I let the beatings commence?"

"What are you going to do with us?" Sally asked.

"After I beat you, for pure recreation of course, I might devise a trap so I can rid myself of all of you fuckers at once, meaning the hedgehog too. If I can't seem to get Sonic here in a timely manner, or if the trap isn't successful, I plan on dropping you into the vat of nuclear waste I have outside. Your skin will melt from your bones, and other heinous things will happen, before you are eventually vaporized. Any questions? Good, now the beatings?"

"I don't want to get beaten," Tails whimpered.

"I guess that means you're first up. A question first, have you ever been beaten by a lead filled snow shoe?"

"Don't beat Tails," Sally begged, "He's just a child."

"Well don't worry about it too much, I plan to beat you all with the same vigor and intensity. Everyone is equal in my eyes, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Snively, get me the lead filled snow shoe."


	6. A Bidet Is Not a Drinking Fountain

A Bidet Is Not a Drinking Fountain

Sonic arrived at the Floating Island early in the morning, excited to finally be able to relax. In the afternoon he and Knuckles went outside to sit around the pool area.

"Ah mate, it was nice of you to stop by," Knuckles said.

"Yeah, it's pretty great over here. I needed to get the fuck out of there. We can't get shit done without bitching about it for a while. I guess I'm a large part of that equation, but damn, you need a break sometimes. Shit, I'm pretty sure they're glad to have me gone for a few days."

"Don't sweat it, mate, I'm always here if you need anything. It's nice livin by meself, no worries just right…"

"Isn't that the slogan for Outback Steakhouse?" Sonic intervened.

"Don't interrupt me, ya vagina!" Knuckles retorted.

"Sorry about that. So, I was wondering why it is that Robotnik never attacked you."

"Why the fuck did you put it like that, mate? I thought you was Antoine for a second there. As to your question, nobody fucks with me. That could be because of the last time I saw Robotnik, he tried takin me emeralds again, then we had some words."

"What happened?"

"I told him, this is a direct quote mind you: 'Why don't you mind your own business ya SCROTUM?!' Then I punched him real hard in the jolly bag, he couldn't walk away if he tried."

"He just stopped fuckin with you then?"

"For the most part, he sent that dingleberry, Snively, up here every now and again to try and cut a deal. To tell you the truth, mate, I think he was scared shitless of me," Knuckles answered.

"Shit, that's pretty good. If I was to bust Robotnik in the junk, he would have come after me ten times harder than before. I guess he was a real fuckin prick that way."

"How's everyone else doin?"

"As a whole, everyone is doing fine, aside from the aforementioned bitching," Sonic said. "Tails is still a fuckin retard, there is never a day that passes without him saying the dumbest shit I've ever heard. Rotor keeps to himself mostly, every once and a while he busts out a wiseass remark. Antoine is still a pussy, and the only thing we can agree on is the fact that Tails is fucked up. Bunnie is pretty much the only one who doesn't get involved in the bitching, and she's always really nice to me. And then there's Sally, and I don't know if I have the time or energy to explain. Let's just say we disagree for the most part, at least lately. This is singlehandedly the weirdest group ever assembled, me included."

"I know, mate, I'm surprised anything gets done."

"Well it's less than you think. Oh man, I almost forgot, I pulled the greatest prank the other day. When we rebuilt Knothole, Sally requested that we put a bidet in her bathroom, the reason being, she likes a douched ass I guess. Anyway, I was talking to Tails, trying to convince him it was a drinking fountain, this is Tails we're talking about here, so it was _really_ hard. So we go in there, and he's got the jets full blast in his face, then he fucking takes a swig of that shit. It was fucking hilarious, as a matter of fact, I think I'm just getting over the laughing fest. Then Sally found out, long story short, I'm not allowed in her bathroom anymore."

"That is pretty funny, cruel, but funny nonetheless. You've told me about everyone else, mate, but how are you doing?"

"Me? My life is officially in the shitter," Sonic said just as the data pad, Sally pawned off on him, started vibrating.

"Well don't look now, but it looks like you're going for another lap around the bowl," Knuckles replied, handing Sonic the data pad. Sonic grabbed it, and took a look at the message.

robotnik is alive

hostage in fallout shelter

come quick !

sally

"This sounds like a trap to me mate."

"Yeah? Well either fuckin way it looks like Robotnik is alive and well. It also looks like I'll have to go save their sorry asses yet again, you in?"

"Why not, mate? I'm always up for kickin some ass."

"We should send her a message," Sonic suggested.

"Great idea, mate."

"Okay, here it goes:

Hey Baby

Nice boots let's knock 'em

Or fuck if you didn't understand that

After a few minutes, the data pad started vibrating again.

"Look, mate, incoming message," Knuckles said looking at the data pad, Sonic looked down at it.

fuck yourself

"Typical," Sonic said, "Better respond:

Sorry about that

Knuckles and I are on our way

Keep that ass tight, I know how

Robotnik loves the hot pokers

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Robotnik paced back and forth in his bedroom.

"I've earned a little respect for the hedgehog, after that," Robotnik said pointing in the Freedom Fighters direction. "They are such foul creatures, I don't know how he puts up with them. Even after a beating, the fox was still a smart mouth, too bad. I thought being around you was bad."

"Uh, thank you, sir, but where do we go from here is the question. I saw Sally typing on some device, probably sending for help."

"That's exactly what we needed, now we just need the proper leverage, or a clever trap."

"What about both, sir?"

"Ah yes, I like the way you're thinking, Snively. We'll meet with the hedgehog to 'negotiate', then spring a trap on him. That stupid fucker won't know what hit him, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And I think I have the perfect trap."

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Outside, the Freedom Fighters were sitting in their titanium cage, discussing the current state of affairs.

"Man," Rotor began, "Robotnik really beat the shit out of Tails, huh?"

"He was being ze smartass, you do not be provoking even as being tortured," Antoine replied. "But zis was a favor, Robotnik was being too tired to use zis fundament poker. Where is ze 'edgehog? I don't want to be ze next one. I would not be looking too good with ze poker hanging out of my ass."

"He said he's coming with Knuckles," Sally answered. "Sonic could end up being here as soon as tonight."

"He sent you ze message you did not like, no?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Because you make zis face," Antoine said, impersonating Sally's angry look. "You make ze poopy face, why is zis?"

"Poopy face? What are you two or something?" Rotor asked.

"It was nothing," Sally replied, ignoring Rotor.

"I zink no, and I almost forgot, did he get ze zree-some?"

"Uh, 'ze' what some?" Bunnie asked.

"ZREE! One, two, zree!"

"Oh, 'three'-some, the word is 'three'," Bunnie explained.

"Yes, zis is what I say, zree."

"Auntie Bunnie, what's a three-some?" Tails asked.

"Oh Sugar…it's…"

"Antoine! Thanks for bringing that up again," Sally said frustrated.

"It is when you are having ze multiple fucks, see I fix zis, no?"

"NO!"

"Well, ze points I get for trying. But I zink ze end is near, and time for ze last wish. Would my Princess deny ze dying mans wish?" Antoine inquired.

"If that 'man' happens to be you or Sonic, yes I can."

"My Princess, zis is too cruel, I am entitled to ze last wish."

"If it involves fucking me, then I'm afraid you'll end up a ghost," Sally replied.

"Why ze ghost?"

"Because you'll have unfinished business, smartass."

"Zen lucky days to me," Antoine excitedly said.

"And why is that?" Sally asked.

"I would like to be seeing you and Bunnie making fuck."

"Yeah, I could go for some of that action too," Rotor put in.

"You bastard!" Sally yelled as she started choking Antoine. Robotnik entered the room as they were fighting.

"Let go of the douchebag," Robotnik said, moving closer to the cage. Sally let go of Antoine. "I need you intact if I intend barter you to the hedgehog."

"And just what are we being bartered for?" Bunnie asked.

"Oh wouldn't you like to know, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"


	7. Shitcan That Idea

Shitcan That Idea

"No Snively, more to the right, good, now it has to go up, perfect," Robotnik said while Snively positioned the Freedom Fighters cage over the vat of nuclear waste. "I would have to say that looks like a powerful bargaining tool, if you ask me."

"Very much so, sir. Would you like me to standby to raise and lower the cage according to how well your negotiations are going?"

"That would be an excellent idea, Snively. We wouldn't want the hedgehog to be too comfortable."

"Of course not, sir, of course not. I hope the guest of honor arrives soon."

"Oh he will, there is no doubt of that."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have an idea, Knuckles," Sonic said while walking into Robotropolis.

"And what would that be, mate?"

"When Sally sent that last message, she said Robotnik was expecting me, right?"

"Yeah and?"

"He has no fuckin idea that you're here. So, I propose that I stall him in negotiations, and you get everyone out of the cage."

"Ah, that's a swell idea, mate, that dipshit won't know what's comin."

"Just head around the back, and I'll go deal with the douche."

"No worries, just right," Knuckles said then turned and glided away.

"This is going to be a clusterfuck," Sonic muttered, shaking his head.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Auntie Sally, are we going to die now?" Tails asked.

"No Tails…"

"Of course we are, you tiny brained asswiper, zis is it," Antoine interrupted.

"I don't want to die!" Tails screamed and then began to sob uncontrollably.

"Thanks Ant," Rotor said. "Seeing as how we won't get the Sally/Bunnie combo platter, the least I can ask before I die is some peace and quiet."

"Oh Hun, we're not going to die, Robotnik never thinks things out properly," Bunnie responded.

"Unfortunately neither does Sonic," Sally countered.

"But Sugar, there can't be a third story without us."

"Who says zey are to be having one? Zis is ze end," Antoine pouted.

"You really do whine like a bitch, mate. At least you got a chance with me here, eh?" Knuckles said, picking the lock.

"Knuckles! Where is Sonic?" Sally asked. Knuckles pointed in the direction of Robotnik and Snively.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"He's here, sir," Snively reported.

"Who?"

"Who do you think? It's fuckin Santa Claus, douchebag," Sonic answered snidely.

"Oh yes, _you_, I didn't appreciate you imploding my fortress by the way."

"Well I was just overjoyed that you tried to light my ass on fire, shithead."

"We really should get down to business, the only offer I'm willing to accept is complete surrender of the Freedom Fighters, that includes you," Robotnik said. "As you can see, I'm guarding all the doors and holding all the keys."

"So it would seem," Sonic replied. "But you know, as well as I do, these fuckers aren't worth it. Fuck 'em, just drop their sorry asses into that vat, save me the trouble."

"What?" Robotnik questioned, exchanging confused looks with Snively.

"I think you heard me loud and clear asshole."

"Have it your way, Snively lower the cage," Robotnik ordered.

"Sir…"

"Would you fucking do it already?!" Robotnik shouted. As Snively started lowering the cage, Knuckles came around the corner.

"Hey mate, ain't you forgettin somethin?" Knuckles asked as he held out the lock and the Freedom Fighters walked out behind him.

"How in the fuck?"

"I used to be a locksmith, mate. What am I forgettin? Oh yeah, you're a TESTICAL!" Knuckles shouted as he punched Robotnik in the nuts.

"You don't hit people in the balls, you asshole," Robotnik gasped.

"Well I do, let's get the bloody hell out of here, shall we?" Knuckles asked, turning to Sonic.

"Yeah," Sonic replied, and then looked to the Freedom Fighters. "When we get back to Knothole, you're going to have to explain this bullshit to me."


	8. Master Fuck Plan

Master Fuck Plan

"I think that worked out as planned, sir," Snively said handing Robotnik an ice pack.

"Minus the punch to the fucking nuts, I'd say it worked out fine, you fuck. You wouldn't know though, they weren't your nuts. Now it's only a matter of time before my Master Fuck Plan can be fully implemented. How can creatures live being so incompetent, Snively?"

"Your guess is as good as mine, sir, I'm quite befuddled by it myself."

"The grapes are ripe for picking …that wasn't a very good way of putting it, was it? I dare them to beat me this time, Snively, in fact I double dare those motherfuckers, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

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Back at Knothole…

"…Antoine started talking about me and Bunnie having sex, and then it got weird…" Sally was saying.

"_Then_ it got weird, I was kind of wondering when that was going to happen," Sonic broke in.

"Oh Sonic," Sally said, then came over and started hugging him.

_"What the fuck?"_ Sonic mouthed to Knuckles, he just shrugged. "What's with that?" Sonic asked pointing to the furniture Antoine was sitting on.

"Zis is a sitet, it is a bench but French," Antoine replied.

"French bench," Sonic stated.

"Haha, oh Sugar, you're funny," Bunnie giggled.

"Hey Sally, is there some reason you're hugging me? I can ask everyone to leave, if maybe you're ready to…"

"Asshole," Sally interrupted.

"Yeah, pretty much. Anyway, Knuckles I wanted to thank you for everything," Sonic said.

"Could you do something for me then, mate?"

"No problem."

"Blow me," Knuckles responded.

"Did you hear that Sally? And you call me a smartass."

"Like I'm pulling that out of thin air," Sally countered. "You are welcome to stay here if you want Knuckles."

"You're some fine blokes, I could probably hang around a bit."

"I hate to break up the tea party…" Rotor began.

"This ain't no fuckin tea party you jerk-off," Sonic responded.

"Ooh, what a lovely tea party," Knuckles added sarcastically.

"Sorry," Rotor replied.

"Well?" Sally asked impatiently.

"Well what?" Rotor countered.

"What were you going to say?"

"Oh, I have a plan for the palace all drawn up, you know, just in case."

"Thanks for enlightening us, dickhead, but if you hadn't noticed we have a major fucking Robotnik problem," Sonic said.

"I was kind of wondering what we were going to do about that, the Robotnik problem," Bunnie said.

"Well I don't fucking know, I just got your asses out and already you want back in?" Sonic questioned. "When we're ready we'll settle for good and all, who holds sway over Mobotropolis. It'll be a bloody battle, Antoine might even die."

"WHAT? Why am I ze only one dying?" Antoine asked in alarm.

"You're the only one who's entirely useless," Sonic answered, then saw Tails smiling at him. "Well, you and Tails will probably die."

"Zat is ze bullshit, I am not liking zis one bits."

"Look, the last time Knuckles blasted Robotnik in the pills like that, he couldn't walk for a week," Sonic pointed out. "I'm pretty sure we have a little time to make a sound plan. Anyway, it's been a long fucking day, and any ideas we get at this point are off the wall, and completely useless as fuck."

"And how does that differ from any other time, mate?"

"He's right," Sally announced, ignoring Knuckles. "We can discuss this further tomorrow, after we've had time to sleep on it."

"Does that mean it's time for bed?" Tails asked.

"Yes Tails, that's what I'm saying," Sally answered tiredly.

"Is someone going to tuck me into bed?" No one moved after Tails spoke.

"Uh no, get the fuck to bed," Sonic said, but Tails just made a pouty face. "Fine, Antoine go tuck Tails into bed."

"Fuck you, zis is not…"

"Go do it now, shitbrick." Tails left the room with Antoine in tow, grumbling.

"Rotor, could you show Knuckles to a room?" Bunnie asked.

"Sure, hey Knux follow me," Rotor said leading Knuckles out of the room.

"Well I guess I'll just go to bed now," Sonic said making his way to the door.

"Before you go, Bunnie and I have a question for you," Sally said. Sonic turned around in the doorway.

"Okay, I'm all ears. What do you want?"

"Well Sugar, are you gonna munch this or what?"


End file.
